Over the last few months a lot of things have been happening in my life and my heart. I walked at graduation in May and finished up my internship and was an August graduate. From that time until now we have been living on campus at Bethany while Stefan finished up his last semester. The whole time that was happening I was searching for jobs for us come the New Year. Jobs that would enable us to use our gifts and training; training that we had paid good money for. I looked and looked, I sent out resume after resume.

I always got the same email back eventually from all those churches: “you have great resumes, a church will be lucky to have the two of you…but you are not who we are looking for”. Finally we found a church that wanted us. We were going through the interview process and then we didn’t hear from them for a couple weeks, we emailed and heard back right away. They had decided that they were not in the hiring position after all.

Through all this my heart grew bitter. I didn’t understand why this was happening. I know that each place that said no to us was God helping show us that those places were not the places for us. But it still hurt each time.

We just moved into a new apartment here in Sussex because we could not live in campus housing anymore. We have been spoiled by nice housing since we have been married. I do not like our new place, it is cold and both Capri and I have been sick since we got here. Bitterness has grown and grown in my heart.

Yesterday we got up and ready for church. I didn’t want to go. Walking into church I could feel a huge weight on my shoulders and I was not happy. We got into church sat down and the new music pastor started singing. The first song was Because He Lives by Bill Gaither. I love this song. I started singing along and tears ran down my face. Each line hit me hard and God lifted that weight.

I know that no matter what life is going to bring us that God will be there. One line that really hit me hard was this one:

How sweet to hold a newborn baby, And feel the pride and joy he gives; But greater still the calm assurance: This child can face uncertain days because He Lives!

This line was hard to sing because I feel like we are letting Capri down so much. I hate that she is sick because we can’t afford a better place to live. I hate that we are not employed currently. I hate that we are not in jobs that we have been called for. I feel like I am letting her down.

I got home and once everyone else was napping I pulled out my Bible. I ended up reading Malachi Chapter 1. it talks about giving crippled and sick sacrifices. I really felt God telling me that what I had been offering Him was not my full and maybe that is why we are still suck here in Sussex and not where we are supposed to be.

So here is to giving my most healthy and largest sacrifice to my Lord:

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow, Because He lives, all fear is gone; Because I know He holds the future, And life is worth the living, Just because He lives!

Thanks for reading, commenting, and sharing.

  1. I cried when I read this post. I too know what it feels like to feel like I am letting people down. Not only myself, not just my son but my husband too and others in my family. It hurts.
    Even on a good day I don’t think I can get through that song. Such powerful words. Because he Lives I can face tomorrow.
    Praying for you all as you continue to search for a job.

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